...away...
Spent the week before xmas doing the things one normally does in the week before xmas... you know, like grinding teeth & gritting ones jaw & experiencing random & not so random attacks of Holiday Stress...
Spent xmas eve & the however many days following that out in MN visiting family... which was you know... Family Fun...
Take four generations of blood relatives, add a few bottles of gin & lemonade, add many cans of Diet Coke & a fifth and 1/2 of Crown Royal, swirl gently and...
...sit back on the couch & finally finish reading American Gods while watching the dysfunctional/drunken bullshit unfold around you. ...in fact...
Just for Kicks--head into xmas eve & intentionally stir shit up--when the man says (on the way out the door to church--which would probably have been a blah experience except this particular church had the most spectacular choir I've ever heard in my life... so I sat through the service with my eyes closed & just...
listened
and was completely in awe.
Seriously... blown away...)
anyway... on the way out the door the man says, "the kids are going to church with my Dad & we'll follow after we 'take care of our business'."
I look at him blankly as he's obviously speaking in "code" since the kids are right there and I ask, "what 'business'?"
He says, "you know."
I say, "no. I do not know."
At which point he proceeds to get pissed off at my complete & utter lack of intelligence in this moment & his three crown royal & cokes brain is you know, Fully Functional (right). We get into a heated mini-non-argument about how "we're at Dad's house & it's tradition at Dad's that "Santa" comes while we are at church on xmas eve and then leaves stockings only on xmas morning. And furthermore--this was a tradition that was started by Great Grandpa who is also here and I'm completely off my rocker if I think I'm going to change THAT." My argument was that certainly that may have been 'the tradition' but that tradition was always well padded by a certain grandma (mil) who filled her living room with "Santa" gifts which were really from HER and then Santa came at our house on xmas morning...
The tradition may have been Dad's/Great Grandpa's but since Dad & Grandma were divorced & Dad remarried the xmas "traditions" have changed a bit on that end. Grandma still shops big for xmas. Step-mil does a stocking full of dollar store junk and that's it. (& it's not the dollar store junk I begrudge--kids love that shit--I don't begrudge anything there at all really except for the fact that it has been over 15 years of this and every year he goes into xmas expecting it to be a BIG deal because before Step-mil it was... Dad spent 1000's on gifts before Step-mil--you know... & every year the man shakes his head when it comes to xmas with Dad & says, 'it never used to be like this.' ...like every year he's expecting it will go back to the way it was & it doesn't. anyway)
I stood my ground--I was NOT going to put the "Santa" loot from US out on xmas eve & have them with nothing to open xmas morning... I mean, whatever. We were traveling--maybe Santa makes special trips for kids who are traveling--there were probably a dozen things we could have come up with & they would maybe have been excited & surprised to have come home & gotten their stuff early but *I* still felt they'd have been enormously disappointed to have gotten up xmas morning to nothing--or a few dollar store whatevers in their stockings... maybe not. But that was my feeling on the matter & I refused to do that to them. So I was this enormous inflexible bitch & blah blah blah. He stormed out of our room and I got the cold shoulder for days for various other Inflexible Bitch items but whatever...
We're home again, home again & the new year is upon us. The boy turned 8 yesterday, which kind of blows my mind. We got home yesterday (after 2 long 6 hour days on the road--thank the lord for portable dvd players!!!) & ran to the store for some birthday cake & ice cream and whatnot. Grandma (my mom) works at the local store & the kids came in with Dad after I did so she had a bit of notice & had the service desk gal make a PSA over the intercom announcing that they had a birthday boy in the store, who was 8 & wearing a navy jacket so if anyone saw him in the store they should wish him happy b-day and then she sang to him over the intercom & all these "strangers" wished him happy b-day as we finished shopping. He's so "don't notice me" & yet it was His Day so he was alternately mortified and beyond pleased during the entire thing. It was like he couldn't decide if he wanted to turn invisible or just enjoy being celebrated so publicly.
At any rate... busy, gone, home.
& too much work awaiting me now...
I hope everyone had an enjoyable whatever holiday you celebrate around this time of year & wish you all the best in 2006.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
New High!!
I have been getting sleep that is so good that my mind flips the "ON!!!!" switch at 2 fucking 45 this morning.
I opened my eyes. I looked at the clock. I sighed. No way... No. Way. I closed my eyes. The man began snoring rather loudly about 1.5 inches from my ear. ...as he was sleeping like a dead person on more than half my pillow I really had nowhere to go but OFF the bed... I closed my eyes tighter. My mind began to purr & then hummmmm and then buzz and it was saying something like "la la la... coffee.... let's get up & make some coffee... la la la..." After 15 minutes of trying to force myself back to sleep I realized it wasn't happening & got up. Now 3 a.m. just strikes me as a fucking insane time to be awake & drinking coffee & chatting with my brother on YM but... y'know. I think I was sleeping HARD by 10. & it was good, solid SLEEP... so I don't know... 5 hours though? I'll be crashing by about 11 a.m. I'm sure...
I've been getting far too much pleasure and other 'good stuff' from working visual imagery to have much left over for anything written...
It's a good thing though...
& the holidays & preparations for such are taking up much of any time I have left over after I've disappeared into Photoshop for hours upon hours...
Maybe I won't be so silent & prone to lurking once the New Year arrives...
(although I'm hoping I'll be busier than ever working on the visual imagery stuff... so who knows) A gf of mine asked if I could "pretty, pretty please" work some photoshop magic on some pictures for her for a xmas gift and I said, "sure." It'd be a "freebie" sort of in exchange for some surprises via snail mail... I was telling J about it & he scoffed--"no $$? No Time." But it's not about that... it's about making Art & about learning something new with each piece. It's about all the small steps that one needs to make to get to a certain place... and if I've realized nothing over the past 5 years of wading through hellish despair I've realized that life is too short to waste it away NOT DOING something you love. & there's a difference between settling for something less than that with the goal of getting to a place where you can DO what you love and...
just settling.
I don't want to settle...
I have been getting sleep that is so good that my mind flips the "ON!!!!" switch at 2 fucking 45 this morning.
I opened my eyes. I looked at the clock. I sighed. No way... No. Way. I closed my eyes. The man began snoring rather loudly about 1.5 inches from my ear. ...as he was sleeping like a dead person on more than half my pillow I really had nowhere to go but OFF the bed... I closed my eyes tighter. My mind began to purr & then hummmmm and then buzz and it was saying something like "la la la... coffee.... let's get up & make some coffee... la la la..." After 15 minutes of trying to force myself back to sleep I realized it wasn't happening & got up. Now 3 a.m. just strikes me as a fucking insane time to be awake & drinking coffee & chatting with my brother on YM but... y'know. I think I was sleeping HARD by 10. & it was good, solid SLEEP... so I don't know... 5 hours though? I'll be crashing by about 11 a.m. I'm sure...
I've been getting far too much pleasure and other 'good stuff' from working visual imagery to have much left over for anything written...
It's a good thing though...
& the holidays & preparations for such are taking up much of any time I have left over after I've disappeared into Photoshop for hours upon hours...
Maybe I won't be so silent & prone to lurking once the New Year arrives...
(although I'm hoping I'll be busier than ever working on the visual imagery stuff... so who knows) A gf of mine asked if I could "pretty, pretty please" work some photoshop magic on some pictures for her for a xmas gift and I said, "sure." It'd be a "freebie" sort of in exchange for some surprises via snail mail... I was telling J about it & he scoffed--"no $$? No Time." But it's not about that... it's about making Art & about learning something new with each piece. It's about all the small steps that one needs to make to get to a certain place... and if I've realized nothing over the past 5 years of wading through hellish despair I've realized that life is too short to waste it away NOT DOING something you love. & there's a difference between settling for something less than that with the goal of getting to a place where you can DO what you love and...
just settling.
I don't want to settle...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
3:4... three forty-something...
Is what time I got up this morning. What's worse is... I stayed up. I probably would not have actually gotten out of bed really, but I stretched & when my arm poked out from beneath the blankets... well it was *cold*. I got up to put wood on the fire & there were about 2 very small coals left. By the time I put wood on and got it burning enough that I could feel the heat again... well then I figured why not just make coffee & do whatever.
I was awake by then. Now it's almost 6 hours later & my body is sighing--what were you thinking exactly?
*yawn*
Yeah... I'm tired.
And I've got an over-full agenda and it's all stuff I do NOT feel at all motivated to actually do... So I've sat here for an hour instead & played around with some old sketches I found in a sketchbook from the college years. I'm trying to decide--nap now or get everything out of the way & nap later. The problem with the later thing is "later" usually winds up becoming 9-ish in the p.m. & therefore... bed time anyway.
& I'm trying to be kind to my body even though there are at least forty things above & beyond the "should do" list that I DO feel motivated to do... but too guilty to actually work on until I've waded through the *should* list and so...
...far easier to just take a nap and think about it later...
(so long as later in this case does NOT wind up being 9 p.m. or I could have a real problem)
Is what time I got up this morning. What's worse is... I stayed up. I probably would not have actually gotten out of bed really, but I stretched & when my arm poked out from beneath the blankets... well it was *cold*. I got up to put wood on the fire & there were about 2 very small coals left. By the time I put wood on and got it burning enough that I could feel the heat again... well then I figured why not just make coffee & do whatever.
I was awake by then. Now it's almost 6 hours later & my body is sighing--what were you thinking exactly?
*yawn*
Yeah... I'm tired.
And I've got an over-full agenda and it's all stuff I do NOT feel at all motivated to actually do... So I've sat here for an hour instead & played around with some old sketches I found in a sketchbook from the college years. I'm trying to decide--nap now or get everything out of the way & nap later. The problem with the later thing is "later" usually winds up becoming 9-ish in the p.m. & therefore... bed time anyway.
& I'm trying to be kind to my body even though there are at least forty things above & beyond the "should do" list that I DO feel motivated to do... but too guilty to actually work on until I've waded through the *should* list and so...
...far easier to just take a nap and think about it later...
(so long as later in this case does NOT wind up being 9 p.m. or I could have a real problem)
Sunday, December 11, 2005
country music is really damned depressing...
"hey, let's go to X town 45 minutes away for dinner with so&so & so& so & their kid and won't that be kind of fun?"
...perhaps in theory...
...when you factor in the girl & her sick tummy & her tendency towards getting "car sick" and the oddity that would be her not wanting to go ANYwhere yesterday (which is odd. "hey, honey--it's just the girls today, let's go shopping." ..."no thanks." "YOU don't want to go SHOPPING? Are you sick?" :)
...add the not-so-mini-tantrum from the man over the fact that he has NO nice clothes anymore and absolutely nothing to wear--for shit boots, for shit shirts--none of which are ever long enough in the sleeves because he's "odd" that way, no fucking "nice" winter coat (I pulled 3 out for him but they didn't "fit" right & one was a "woman's coat" according to him altho it doesn't LOOK like a woman's coat & the brand name on the tag would suggest it was a man's coat--the zipper is "wrong" according to him--but it's the opposite of the zipper on my coat so I guess I'm fucking clueless). ANYway. I finally told him to go through his clothes--if he doesn't like any of them then he needs to quit fucking wearing them so I know this & we can work on getting him some new stuff. He's just so *into* outward appearances right now it's sickening me...
I mean... by the time we got in the truck to supposedly *start* our Fun Evening--my appetite was gone. By the time we actually got to the restaurant the girl was crying and holding her belly & she & I made like, four trips to the bathroom & she cried & said she wanted to go home. The ride down & back was filled with non-stop Country and by the time I got home I was so depressed from that alone I thought, "how can people listen to that shit & not want to just slit their wrists already?"
(I did get chills however while listening to George Strait sing, "She Let Herself Go" but that's a whole 'nother thing & I never said that... and I wanted so badly to say out loud--'are you LISTENING? ...because you should be.')
Anyway.
My vote was to go see "The Chronicles of Narnia" but that got shot down. I think it would have made for a far better evening though...
"hey, let's go to X town 45 minutes away for dinner with so&so & so& so & their kid and won't that be kind of fun?"
...perhaps in theory...
...when you factor in the girl & her sick tummy & her tendency towards getting "car sick" and the oddity that would be her not wanting to go ANYwhere yesterday (which is odd. "hey, honey--it's just the girls today, let's go shopping." ..."no thanks." "YOU don't want to go SHOPPING? Are you sick?" :)
...add the not-so-mini-tantrum from the man over the fact that he has NO nice clothes anymore and absolutely nothing to wear--for shit boots, for shit shirts--none of which are ever long enough in the sleeves because he's "odd" that way, no fucking "nice" winter coat (I pulled 3 out for him but they didn't "fit" right & one was a "woman's coat" according to him altho it doesn't LOOK like a woman's coat & the brand name on the tag would suggest it was a man's coat--the zipper is "wrong" according to him--but it's the opposite of the zipper on my coat so I guess I'm fucking clueless). ANYway. I finally told him to go through his clothes--if he doesn't like any of them then he needs to quit fucking wearing them so I know this & we can work on getting him some new stuff. He's just so *into* outward appearances right now it's sickening me...
I mean... by the time we got in the truck to supposedly *start* our Fun Evening--my appetite was gone. By the time we actually got to the restaurant the girl was crying and holding her belly & she & I made like, four trips to the bathroom & she cried & said she wanted to go home. The ride down & back was filled with non-stop Country and by the time I got home I was so depressed from that alone I thought, "how can people listen to that shit & not want to just slit their wrists already?"
(I did get chills however while listening to George Strait sing, "She Let Herself Go" but that's a whole 'nother thing & I never said that... and I wanted so badly to say out loud--'are you LISTENING? ...because you should be.')
Anyway.
My vote was to go see "The Chronicles of Narnia" but that got shot down. I think it would have made for a far better evening though...
Friday, December 09, 2005
kind of/sort of falling apart.
...imagine that...
listening to:
Powered by Castpost
(The Chemical Brother's "Where Do I Begin" from the Vanilla Sky ST ...my current "obsession" )
& playing on Photoshop cuz I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm just basically letting myself have a Shitty Attitude Day.
...imagine that...
listening to:
Powered by Castpost
(The Chemical Brother's "Where Do I Begin" from the Vanilla Sky ST ...my current "obsession" )
& playing on Photoshop cuz I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm just basically letting myself have a Shitty Attitude Day.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
soft...
I haven't felt like dragging a brush through my hair...
so I haven't. just towel drying in the curls, pulling it back or up or back&up... & today was just conditioner... one that claims "smoothing" in its description... & air drying & no curls and I didn't even pull it up...
so my hair... it's soft against my face, soft and loose & wavy, hiding half my face as I type in the dark because I can't sleep.
...can't sleep but...
it's not a bad thing you know? it's another night of wandering around in the dark & the quiet... of searching for that lost tube of Carmex because Winter is cruel to my body... dry, super itchy skin, raw stinging knuckles on hands that I smooth lotion into a million times a day to almost no avail and cracked lips that I already tend to gnaw on when I'm slightly anxious... add a few cracks and I have to really pay attention so that I don't rip open that tender skin.
I've done this quiz before... I always get The Hermit--always. According to the quiz results 5% of the almost 91,000 people who have taken this particular quiz get The Hermit. I like the Thoth deck (own one) even though I've had a few tell me it "creeped them out"... I like the art of the deck--I find it aesthetically pleasing & I also feel the Art of the Deck itself...
I am:
You are the Hermit card. The Hermit has chosen a solitary spiritual path. He shines light on his inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom. The Hermit's home is the natural world and it
is by being in tune with that world that he learns the laws of nature and learn how they operate within himself. His path is a lonely one as he lives in silence and has for companionship only his own internal rhythms. But those crossing his path are touched by his light and wisdom. Though often alone, he manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet him and guides those who chose to follow him on a path towards enlightenment.
(Image from The Aleister Crowley Tarot deck. http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/ )
Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I haven't felt like dragging a brush through my hair...
so I haven't. just towel drying in the curls, pulling it back or up or back&up... & today was just conditioner... one that claims "smoothing" in its description... & air drying & no curls and I didn't even pull it up...
so my hair... it's soft against my face, soft and loose & wavy, hiding half my face as I type in the dark because I can't sleep.
...can't sleep but...
it's not a bad thing you know? it's another night of wandering around in the dark & the quiet... of searching for that lost tube of Carmex because Winter is cruel to my body... dry, super itchy skin, raw stinging knuckles on hands that I smooth lotion into a million times a day to almost no avail and cracked lips that I already tend to gnaw on when I'm slightly anxious... add a few cracks and I have to really pay attention so that I don't rip open that tender skin.
I've done this quiz before... I always get The Hermit--always. According to the quiz results 5% of the almost 91,000 people who have taken this particular quiz get The Hermit. I like the Thoth deck (own one) even though I've had a few tell me it "creeped them out"... I like the art of the deck--I find it aesthetically pleasing & I also feel the Art of the Deck itself...
I am:
You are the Hermit card. The Hermit has chosen a solitary spiritual path. He shines light on his inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom. The Hermit's home is the natural world and it
is by being in tune with that world that he learns the laws of nature and learn how they operate within himself. His path is a lonely one as he lives in silence and has for companionship only his own internal rhythms. But those crossing his path are touched by his light and wisdom. Though often alone, he manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet him and guides those who chose to follow him on a path towards enlightenment.
(Image from The Aleister Crowley Tarot deck. http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/ )
Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
no difference...
no more drawing lines between dreams & desires & all the other drivel... mostly because I don't feel like it & then also because it makes it all so much less fun that way. ..better to let it all flow together like a good memory should.
I crawled across his skin several nights ago, I spread out across him, atop him... I straddled him. I took his hands in my own & pulled his arms out to the side, stretched... leaned down & kissed him long & slow & full. He sighed, frustrated, withdrew, rolled over & away from me. He sat up and said, "I can't keep doing this... it's too frustrating. It's so much and yet it's just not enough."
I sat up & slid close to him. I took one hand & held it in my own, against my bare thigh. "I know," I said. And I did. I could still feel his skin, warm against me and I still felt full of him... but I know I was sucking all of it from the ether and he wasn't getting the same *thing.* I was getting my fill of fucking and skin warmed whispers and fun not drowned out by the sound of reality...
He was, for all intents & purposes participating in some fucked form of mental masturbation.
...just not the same... & certainly not "fair."
"I know," I said as I kissed the back of his hand and then climbed onto him and kissed his mouth... long & slow & full. I smoothed my hands over his face, tracing lines, remembering for myself... I kissed his face, I buried myself in the smell of his warmth and then...
I opened my hands & my eyes and he was gone.
& then I pull up Winamp & listen to Peter Gabriel, "I Grieve" over & over & over...
I am feeling like... taffy lately... pulled & stretched in every direction...
salty & sweet at the same time
...maybe it wouldn't bother me so fucking much if it were my own hands defining things? ...my own fingers kneading & pulling &...
me.
deciding.
& maybe it only bothers me because I somehow think it should...
no more drawing lines between dreams & desires & all the other drivel... mostly because I don't feel like it & then also because it makes it all so much less fun that way. ..better to let it all flow together like a good memory should.
I crawled across his skin several nights ago, I spread out across him, atop him... I straddled him. I took his hands in my own & pulled his arms out to the side, stretched... leaned down & kissed him long & slow & full. He sighed, frustrated, withdrew, rolled over & away from me. He sat up and said, "I can't keep doing this... it's too frustrating. It's so much and yet it's just not enough."
I sat up & slid close to him. I took one hand & held it in my own, against my bare thigh. "I know," I said. And I did. I could still feel his skin, warm against me and I still felt full of him... but I know I was sucking all of it from the ether and he wasn't getting the same *thing.* I was getting my fill of fucking and skin warmed whispers and fun not drowned out by the sound of reality...
He was, for all intents & purposes participating in some fucked form of mental masturbation.
...just not the same... & certainly not "fair."
"I know," I said as I kissed the back of his hand and then climbed onto him and kissed his mouth... long & slow & full. I smoothed my hands over his face, tracing lines, remembering for myself... I kissed his face, I buried myself in the smell of his warmth and then...
I opened my hands & my eyes and he was gone.
& then I pull up Winamp & listen to Peter Gabriel, "I Grieve" over & over & over...
I am feeling like... taffy lately... pulled & stretched in every direction...
salty & sweet at the same time
...maybe it wouldn't bother me so fucking much if it were my own hands defining things? ...my own fingers kneading & pulling &...
me.
deciding.
& maybe it only bothers me because I somehow think it should...
Thursday, December 01, 2005
...migraine...
...fucking headaches...
I've got a migraine from hell brewing. My eyes hurt in a way that makes me want to pull them from my skull, my head feels like it is being yanked in 12 different directions.. god, even my BRAIN hurts... & I feel like I might be sick at any moment...
I feel an ice pack & the day (or at least morning?) in bed coming my way quickly...
...fucking headaches...
I've got a migraine from hell brewing. My eyes hurt in a way that makes me want to pull them from my skull, my head feels like it is being yanked in 12 different directions.. god, even my BRAIN hurts... & I feel like I might be sick at any moment...
I feel an ice pack & the day (or at least morning?) in bed coming my way quickly...
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