Just... whatever.
free-floating anxiety doesn't exactly "give way" to this other thing... it's more like it expands and contracts & expands & contracts... it opens itself up, rips itself apart, composes itself into something more than what it was. Anxiety, irritability, & yeah, more than a touch of depression...

Filling in a gap or two... My Mom has gone back to the now "sober" formerly "ex" & now again, current bf--I hate to feel pessimistic but this guy has been a raging alcholic since he was 11 & now he's sober because he's under a sort of house arrest for 30 days & has to "blow" every morning as part of his terms. & in a way I'm not sorry to say that I don't trust the guy after all that he's done to us and the even worse things he did to my Mom... moving back in with my Dad didn't work so well for her and she said she had to give the sober bf a chance. However, because of his track record & because of the shit he pulled with trying to demonize the man in my Mom's eyes & starting the whole "affair" rumor (which is the BIGGIE... stealing two grand from us... well maybe that could be forgotten. I don't think J will EVER be able to forgive the affair bullshit though. Anyway... despite her angered, "If I find out HE made those things up & put you through that" & "he's trying to get me to move out of town but I told him NO WAY--my family is too important to me," & other heated comments 2 or 3 months ago... Despite the fact that he & his various problems have put her in debt to the tune of almost $70,000 PLUS nearly $15,000 that my Dad wound up lending her to cover shit when he'd fuck her over every couple of weeks... despite his randomly flipping through her checkbook & taking a check here & there & forging her name to them (we counted around 20-24 in the amount of $35 that he wrote to the local Moose Lodge when he was sitting down there drinking every day when my Mom thought he was at work... that's NOT counting the half dozen at least that were written for amounts over $200). Despite her finding a HUGE stack of unopened overdraft notices hidden in the bottom of his toolbox... that he'd sneak from the mail & hide so she'd be unaware for as long as he could manage... (his name--NOT on her account btw) She refused to press charges for these offenses because she couldn't in good conscience send him to prison. It was the "disease" that made him do these things... he deserves a second (seventh?) chance... So when I told her that I might not "agree" with her decision to go back to him but I was here for her anyway... but that J & I were NOT comfortable with our kids being around this guy at least for now... which means the kids can't go over there for their normal Monday day with Grandma & there would be no sleep-overs, etc... Well at first she said they both understood. That HE understood he had a whole lot to prove to everyone & it was ok.
So a couple of weeks later (just this past Thursday night) my Mom told my Dad to call me & relay a message that she pretty much no longer wants to speak to me, nor see the kids because "it's just too hard." So now *I* am the bad guy... everything HE did to her has been forgiven but she's writing me out of her life (and her grandkids in the process) because I'm a horrible person with a husband who needs to "get off his high horse & realize he's no Mr. Perfect, either to be laying such heavy judgement on [the bf]." We're horrible judgemental people & now she's moving with him ANYway... to a town where she knows nobody & I can't help it that I'm terrified for her. What happens when the requisite "blow" is no longer hanging over his head? I hope for her sake that he's able to stay sober and they can be happy... but what kind of a man says (subtly & certainly not outright but), "your daughter & grandkids or me?" It seems a pretty steep price to pay for happiness to me.
So yeah, I'm pretty messed up over all this...

...got up this morning and I was just chilled straight through. I built a pot of coffee & straightened the covers, slid back beneath them & pulled them up to my face, leaving my nose & eyes poking out. I slipped back to sleep for about a half hour & dreamt of being in the Phillipines with my brother. ...random animals... a goat, a horse, some poultry (chickens? no... I don't know) there was a corner in this open to the air, but covered sort of patio and the corner held a bit of straw & the animals would come & hang out there... & then my motel room. I was getting ready to go to some sort of concert & the phone kept ringing but when I answered it, the voices on the other end were speaking what sounded like gibberish to me... I pulled out a shirt that I was going to wear & it had glowing neon-like handprints on the shoulders that hadn't been there "before" & I threw the shirt down because I thought it was "contaminated." I ordered food from a vendor & I didn't know what it even was but I ate it because I was hungry & then I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in what was someone's living room... the floor was dirt & there were lots of insects crawling around on stuff... we smoked from a bong & it felt very much like a "ritual" of some sort... I closed my eyes & the smoke was thick & heavy in the room when I opened them again... the light grew more & more dim until everything was a dense smoky gray & when I looked upward there were glowing handprints everywhere...

I woke up angry, vaguely pissed off & rant-y...
I'm having trouble eating these past 3 or 4 days... my palate seems to have become very picky & I sit down to eat & put stuff into my mouth & fight the urge to gag... I chew quickly & swallow even more quickly. I try not to think too much about the act of eating... the tastes & textures of things that normally are comforting to me slide around inside my mouth & feel nasty slipping down my throat. My stomach fights me all day long, alternating between, "hey! Yeah, HEY YOU!! Ummm... empty here." & "Oh good fucking GOD... what are you putting into me??" I go to bed & it's hard to fall asleep because I feel empty... not so much "hungry"... just empty.

I find myself flitting about on thought-flows.. "ok, tried the no meds thing, maybe this isn't such a great idea..."
"...it's cyclic. this is just a down swing... I'll pop back up... just hang for now."

...the hanging is tough though. I'm sad & lonely. I bury myself in hugs from the kids & J. I really TRY not to feel like I'm drawing too much--the imagery in my mind is this: my Self/Soul/Whatever... a vast & unending black hole & it sucks everything into it where it just goes somewhere else forever... Energy, love, all of it... it goes out & away through me & it's not like I can even hold onto it long enough to benefit from it and so I feel badly about the "taking." So I just...
I don't even know.

I try to just quiet myself & just breathe. Just that... in & out & in & out... finish my coffee, get ready for work. go to work, get through the day, come home, crawl into bed, sleep, dream, wake up... have some coffee and so on...

I'm trying to propagate some Schefflera cuttings... the huge tree that I had in some of the pics of my living room forever ago... it's dying fast & furious. I can't seem to save it. Thing is... this tree was started from a tiny plant that the family got from someone when J's grandma died ages ago... it's been in his family since--growing huge & tall. He said that it was about 12' tall at one point, when they lived in P-town & had a house with enormous vaulted ceilings. His Mom kept it & had it cut back several times & she gave it to us when she moved to Cali. I think we moved it away from the door in the winter & this last winter we sort of forgot to do that & I'm not sure if it was the draft from the door being opened all winter or... just the cold from being so close to the windows... or if I over-watered it a time or two or under-watered it or... maybe it just got root-bound or I don't even know but slowly the leaves started to turn black & fall off & two of the trunks have shriveled up. We moved it to the other side of hte house & it has sprouted some new growth but it's still dying. It's terribly difficult to propagate... nobody has been able to yet (his Mom & Dad tried many times). I'm determined to get some to take root & have several different style cuttings going currently even though I have more luck with plants that will root in water...

...it's very appropriate imagery, however... I feel black & wilty & stilted & rotten... and I don't really know what it is that I need to *do* to work it out, work through it... other than just... get up every day, bathe, brush my teeth... pretend.

We have some Spongebob napkins that we've been using at dinner... leftover from O's birthday party... they have four different Spongebob facial expressions... goofy, grinning, HUGE smile & angry... J asked me how I was doing the other day while we were eating & I shrugged... "I don't know. Whatever..." He asked what that meant & I picked up my napkin & held the vacant huge smiling Spongebob napkin over my face. "I'm fine," I said from behind it... "just fine..."
We both laughed... and for a few minutes I was "ok". & then the dense gray haze descended inside me again & I could feel that empty place suck my expression away & my eyes felt vacant & dead.