not not happy...
is the thing, really. I'm not unhappy. These days (the past few weeks? something) I'm highly frustrated. It seems like the pattern is definitely many, many steps back for each step forward & the struggle that surrounds striving to gain that step.
Some voice inside my head whispers, "Why? Why bother?" over & over & over. & the thing is, I don't have any answers for myself but I do... every day.
I'm still meds free, although now I've also quit smoking as well. It seems like I have a need to carve out all things that offer even the facade of "comfort" these days. I don't even know how many weeks into the no smoking thing I am now. I'm on the fence in terms of keeping track. Some days I think I should but then I glance at a calendar & think... "it's only been THAT long? How can it not have been at least twice that long?" It seems like it's been a very, very long time. I think it's been more like 4 or 5 weeks.
I've picked up reading again as a source of distraction. I meandered my way through "Diary" by Chuck Palahniuk... it was ok. I read "Running with Scissors" in a one day. I liked it enough that I picked up "Magical Thinking" from the library... I don't think I'm liking this one quite as much. I'm not not liking it... it's just "ok" whereas the other was so insane it was a welcome distraction. This one comes off a bit differently. ...pompous, maybe? Anyway...
So.
No meds & no smoking. In theory this should be a good thing. In theory, I'm cleaning out my system & ridding it of all the BAD THINGS... the harmful things. In reality, I'm going crazy & feeling quite irritable & insane most of the time. In reality I think my chemistry seems to need one thing or the other & not having either is not very smart.
I visited that "mysecret" site awhile back & one of the postcards said, "I started smoking when I was depressed & wanted to die. Now I'm happy & addicted." & I think... yeah. That's kind of right... I read articles that claim that the theory is, smoking causes anxiety disorders. I, personally think that those predisposed to such things might just reach for the smokes more often. Those constructing such theories say this isn't the case... I wonder though, if the chemistry is messed up, "off" or different how can they tell. ...so many say, "I smoke because it relaxes me" & those theorists says, "actually it doesn't... it's a stimulant." But how do they really know that my chemistry doesn't process thing backwards or differently?
Anyway. I've decided that I simply need to find something else to become addicted to. I've decided that it should be exercise since I'm breathing more easily. ...then I can die of a heart attack during an exercise session at 55 years of age. Irony...
So... for the time being this is where I'm at. For all the work it's not all that much better than where I was--which is the real joke behind it all. This is also the source of the frustration & the sense of defeat.