unknown.
It's not that I'm unhappy or... I don't know, maybe I am and I've just always been this way and so, it's impossible, really for me to know anything different. Maybe what I have in mind is really that only in dreams impossibility and therefore, actually fairly selfish of me to even lust after it. When I think on it, he's still--after nearly twenty years--the first person I want to call when I have good news. (call, meaning, if I get the news & he is working or otherwise away from me, which lately is all the time) I mean, I have had such rushes of breathless excitement the past few weeks and I always call him quickly, without thinking on it, because I need to talk to him and I want to share with him... whatever.
Only, then there are the times when I call him and get his voicemail and his voice just kind of washes over me and it's so calming and I wonder... is it always like that? Because it doesn't seem to always feel like that? But it's such a strange sensation, listening to him as if I don't hear his voice every single day... that I hang up & call him right back, not even wondering if he'll wonder why I'm doing that & answer this time, or if I'll get his voicemail again--which is what I want... & he must be out of range, because it does go right to voice & I listen. I listen really hard. & it affects me the same, and it still doesn't quite sound like... the him I hear every day.
& then I sit for a awhile & I am keenly aware of her profile. Her as in... her. Blue 'do-rag covers her still butch short blonde hair & her profile is so... clean. She looks on at her email & I am SO NOT sneaking peeks over there... no, it's not like that at all.
But it is. It is. & it's not even about her anymore as much as it is about this quiet longing for something that I have no idea what it IS... it just IS. It is not about her, just as it's not about him, either. It is there, inside me and it quietly wants what it wants and the insanity this breeds has no name. This quiet longing for things unknown & impossible to name.
It makes me crazy. It is quietly driving me insane.