Bits of dreaming...
Live chat lecture turns live-live... sitting in the standard fare classroom chairs. I've come in late though my body was here already... slide into my mind & look out through these eyes and my hand has been transcribing notes... pages of them sit neatly beneath one another. I'm writing. I turn around and I look at the faces that go with the voices. I smile a bit as I recognize Tam and Chris and the two Kelly's. It's funny to me. There they are. & behind me I see Jason--who doesn't belong here. He's holding his pencil but his eyes are far away. He's not here yet? Dropping in, just like me? Ear buds tucked into his ears, pencil not moving. Paper blank. He hasn't shaved in a couple of days which is very much not like the clean cut image he tries so hard to project.
I react to this... this rougher version of him. I like it.
I turn around, face the front. I'm still writing and listening but I can smell him behind me and it's distracting. I can smell him. I close my eyes and breathe. I quit writing. I pull him into me this way. & I feel the way things change, slowly & slightly & softly... the air grows warmer and more tingly the closer he comes. I feel it inside me, this energy and the air and I can tell when he opens his eyes. I feel it like a little pop in my gut and it elicits a grin. I turn & smile. "Hey." Shock, much? I laugh. He says "Hey," back. Random meeting or did I pull him in here? Who knows... I do know that I was thinking about him yesterday because I haven't seen him in a long, long time. I wondered, yesterday, if he'd finally been able to get high speed at home... or maybe work has taken him out of town... or life has just been busy... who knows.
I touch his arm, I offer some information in this exchange... catch up, here we are, this is what's going on... roll with it. We try on the scene and fall into character. Class dismisses and we walk outside, the world unfurls and there's grass and sun and sidewalks stretching outward, leading places. We walk for a minute. We stop. I lean against a brick wall. We talk about stuff that has to do with this place... we forget we're occupying this space & we become this space. Projects remembered, partners? Topics? Parties later... I hold onto the smallest sliver of my self because this isn't who either one of us is and I want to remember the oddity of such a connection. I want to feel that connection. This isn't random, or unreal. I feel the brick beneath my back, it cuts into my shoulder, thru the thin fabric of my t-shirt. I feel the sun, warm on my arms. I feel the weight of my backpack. I slide it off my shoulder & drop it on the ground at my feet. He's still talking. He's got an easy way about him, like he could talk to anyone about anything and he's sliding off into unquestioning acceptance of being here.
This is who he is right now...
I breathe him in again. I smell the change in his skin, the sun has warmed him. I smile and look into his eyes while he talks and I just breathe him into me. I pull him in, deep and slow until I feel him against me, & it's a different sort of weight. It's more real than the cut of brick against my back, or the pull of a pack on my shoulder. It's more real than the smell of the grass or the lure of a sidewalk and wondering where it might lead. It's more solid than that. I feel him bump against me. And I see his eyes open in surprise and still I smile and still he talks but the sound of his voice grows quieter and there is a sort of humming rush building in my mind, like the sound of Big Water and it's loud and super quiet all at once and I find his real hands and I lace my real fingers through them and I yank. I pull him hard and feel the air change as we both slip out of the scene and into this place where it is not about shells and characters but Here... Here this is who you are. This is the scent of your essence and this is what it feels like to really touch someone. Here. I'm showing you this... I'm showing you this and I don't really know why but... here. See? And I touch him. My left hand remains laced with his right and my right hand releases his left and I run my fingers, hard and with purpose down his side. I breathe him into me. I inhale him. It's not difficult to accept the duality... shadow and air and solid and I can be several places at once... see? I can pull you into me, I can show you what it feels like to be entered, even as you are entering me... this. See? Close your eyes. Close them! Let go. Ok. Close them... and then... now. Open them and it's different and... Let go. Shhh... And I feel him slide ... I feel his head fall back, I feel the slight arch of his back and I feel him surrender to my lead. I feel him soften and slide. I sigh. I sigh and I sigh and I sigh... This is not about connections in the physical. There is no pussy or cock here. Do we even have either of those things here? I don't even know, because it's never about that. I don't think so, although if there's a desire I am pretty sure they would be there... but it's all just tools to acheive the desired result. It doesn't really matter. It's about fingers and breathing. It's about touching and inhaling. It's about the slide. It's about a different sort of rub and I feel him, I feel him against me from where I begin to where I end and I sigh... I feel his submission and it's so fucking beautiful. I feel his surprise and then I feel him give in to this and give in to me and I move my hands along his lines and I feel the mesh and the I feel where there is resistance and I move my hands there with more insistance, more command and I inhale and I breathe until there is no measurable difference... this is union. This is joining and this is fulfillment and I whisper, now inside his mind as much as he is inside my own...
See? Oh my god... do you see?
...and I am there.
I had a rough night. I woke up several times with cramps so bad I thought I would be sick. I woke up drenched in sweat. I finally fell asleep... and I dove deep, away from the pain. It fulfilled its purpose I suppose... I made it through the night.
& a part of me... oh a part of me wants this to be a part of his remembrance as well, you know?
If only so there can be that moment of extreme uncomfortable sense of over-familiarity when meeting for the first time afterward in real life... like a little speed bump.
"Hey." (uncomfortable moment of arousal, not quite sure why. noticeable? god, I hope not.)
*laughs*
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