Heady Stuff.
I begged him, "I know you're trying to be "good." Be good to me. Please." But he wouldn't budge. I could say his name over and over again and I sometimes do, inside my mind. It plays like music inside my head. It wasn't a crush, or an infatuation or... I don't even know what it was exactly. Or what it wasn't. All I know is he pushed buttons. And it was all innocent fun on his part as I found out later. He just liked to flirt. I called his bluff and he wouldn't cross the line even though both of us were burning up, all but consumed with it. To stand near him and not be touched hurt. My skin ached, my heart ached. ...be good to me... touch me.
No. I can't. I just can't.
I woke up with all of this stuffed inside my brains... and even though I was denied over and again there was also something deep within that felt as though it had been honored and exalted. The desire that lit the space between had bordered on worship and it filled me... differently. Of course it fueled the rest--more. But upon waking it felt good to feel that good all over.
I closed my eyes over and again throughout the morning. Slipping back inside, playing imaginary fingers over imagined realities. ...& the line blurred as the days passed until the only thing that remains vividly is the pleading in my voice. The whispered desperation.
...be good to me...

It is often difficult to pass from moments such as this... back into real interactions with people that my brain remembers having had such powerful interactions with. Sometimes it is something that gets easier. Sometimes it is all I can do not to reach out, touch softly, whisper... "do you remember when..." Of course, I know they wouldn't. Of course, I know they don't.
It kills me a little sometimes to not be able to share that. To remind myself that... And sometimes knowing that it's mine.all.mine. is part of the delicious joy... I spend a good portion of my life in my dreaming space. I guess I'm glad, in a selfish way, that it's a rich and sensory full place.
Even if I do, on many occasions, awaken heartsick with longing...