heavy heart...
so he's been having... issues. & he's been to the doctor & there's no discernible physical cause. He's in excellent health. & so they give him samples of the men's drugs and they... work but don't. Or sometimes do & sometimes don't. (or when we do, now there's another unfortunate thing that happens which is. Over & done, 30 secs.) I suspected for some time that it was related to drinking because he seems to have been doing an awful lot of that & when he had there wasn't anything that was going to help. & then sometimes things work & sometimes they don't. It's weird like that. I was thinking he was, on some level threatened by my recent upswing. I'm fast outpacing him as far as pay goes & I guess for some men that might be intimidating? & then there's the school stuff & half the time he doesn't have a clue what I'm saying so there's that too. Anyway... I've been half hoping it would just clear up on its own but it hasn't & lately seems to have been worse. We try but it's... not good. Sometimes I try to fake it because I know he's uptight about things & I know that, alone can make it worse... but last night I just couldn't & it wasn't and he crumpled in my arms & cried and it was awful. I don't know how to help him with this. I've tried things... I don't know what to do. The doctor doesn't seem to have any brilliant answers. Do we resign ourselves to the rest of our lives with this?
It's sad. It makes me sad, but while I am sad about it I know he's devastated & that's somehow... worse. I wanted to say... something last night. But I keep saying it's ok and he keeps insisting that it's not so then last night I just didn't know what to say so I said... nothing.

And somewhere, my mind drifts... there isn't much good out there anywhere right now. And by out there I mean--everyfuckingwhere, you know? If there is, I am having a really hard time seeing it. I figure this is something I'm good at because I've done it before.
Waiting and plodding and telling myself, "it'll be better tomorrow."
Fuck of it is... tomorrow came.
& it was better. For a few months?
Now this. & by this I mean--all this. The economy, gas prices, groceries, things the kids need, the war, the lunacy that is becoming this election, job worries, money worries... Is the bank where my money is going to go under overnight? Do I forget about the Master's dream right now? Do I tell myself it'll be good enough & "ok" just to get this part over with and wait & see? It's overwhelming.

And so. My mind drifts. I remind myself to breathe, because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I'm so far away, even while I'm smiling & ever present and problem solving and doing a really fantastic job of pretending that I'm In the Moment and Living. I'm so very, very far away. Removed.
It's the only way I can get through a day. Wake up. See what I've got to do. Acknowledge it. Go away. Whisper... Body. Go out & do.
Ok.