like this...
What happens when you enter this daydreamy sort of fragmented existence and somehow sort of stumble upon this weird bit of soft and other "something" that has you smelling the air to see if he is around because he smells good and warm and somehow more real and you've come to recognize this scent... You look for reasons to talk to him. What questions can you ask him? Thing is, you really do have questions to ask him but are they ones he could answer? You don't know this... When he gets some Really bad news and you are the first person he sees afterward and shares because he has to tell someone. The first time you meet him he's flip & odd and you think he surely must know he is a parody of himself. He's so exaggerated in his mannerisms and way of speaking that he must be trying to be funny but he's not and then it's just his personality or something... eccentric? But you fire back these sarcastic one liners which is not your natural style either but it gets a grin, albeit with a rolling of the eyes and the days roll by as they do and somehow something has changed even though nothing has changed and he stops to help you pick up some things that you dropped and you are hyper aware of feeling disheveled and uncouth and hickish because he seems to have materialized out of nowhere and then he stops and he looks at you with this strange sort of softness and time stops. It's like the fucking movies. It's so outside of reality that you think you must be imagining it and then you think... you probably are but even on the heels of this that moment remains stretched out and silent and it wraps you up inside it and the quiet and the stillness are things in and of themselves.
And it's unbearable so you say something, just anything to start the clock again and it's ridiculous but the moment passes and you sigh audibly with both relief and devastation.
It's brilliant and pitiful and awful and wonderful all in the same breath.
What happens when you are pushing forty and have an unbelievable amount of baggage and you stumble upon a sort of soul mate and you know it's all such crap even as you give voice to it.
In reality it is likely that the weight of your life has become too much and you just want to run away. Change your name. Claim a new life. Never look back. You slog through each day and you do what you have to do and when you sleep at night you dream of climbing into your car and moving. Every single night. Impossible things.
All of them.