smooth.
So far I have resisted sending a note to an old crush from college... you know the one? That one that you wanted to Do Something With but never actually did? The one that you were pretty certain Wanted to Do Something With You as well but respected your crazy implied boundaries that were never actually spoken? The one that would have been a bad, bad decision to pursue but 17 years later you still find yourself thinking about? Unfulfilled desires & all that fucking shit. Yeah, that one. So I found that face... the smile is exactly the same although the crazy wild hair is gone and the eyes are a little more wrinkled around the edges. I keep composing a "hey you," note and after it's written I hit cancel. I don't know. A part of me is worried that he won't have the slightest fucking clue who I am and it'll dash all that certainty that the chemistry existed on his end too which ruins the whole memory. Anyway. So there's all that percolating in my center. Memories of dropping acid & getting lost in the woods. Singing Peter Frampton's "Do you feel like we do" at the top of our lungs... feeding the piranha and just zoning... laying on our backs in the cool grass and watching the sun rise through the leaves of the trees... Dirty apartments and mellow drugs and 70's music and constant undercurrents of desire.

Good memories, really...

Last night I dreamt that J drove us to some fancy house and we set up this huge camper and I thought it was like some family reunion thing until he said, "well, just so you know--we're divorced and I'm getting married here today. See ya." And he went & got married to this woman while the kids and I sat by the camper and watched. I wanted to leave but didn't know how to break the camper down and hook it up to the truck let alone actually drive it away. (why I didn't just leave the damn thing and go I do not know) Afterward, they were getting ready to leave for their honeymoon & it was dark and I ran into the woods and he chased me. I ran through the woods in the dark and I hid while he called out for me and when he asked what the hell was going on I screamed from my hiding place, "You're an ASSHOLE!!" And he started to soft-talk to me, through the darkness while he slowly walked, trying to find me by my voice? And there was this crazy tenderness that filled the air and it made me heartsick for something that I feel like I have been missing for so, so long.

Some days I feel this... all the time. It's a craving that burns deep inside me... a craving for slowed down silent touching that never ends. That bittersweet taste of tender heartache that mingles with reality and bleeds through in each soft, whisper touch.

And there, inside me whispers my Self from Dreaming... someday, someday, someday...

And I don't really know what to make of that.