Alignments
...in a moment of weakness and brilliance I am neither here, nor there. I disintegrate willfully.
I pass through you, through you and into the space that lives in the confines of my memory. I recall laying stretched out with you, knee to knee, toe to toe, fingertips touching. I opened my eyes and looked into yours. It was never really real to begin with--just a moment in a dreaming time when I asked you how you were and I meant it. Not "how are ya?" or "how are you (fill-in-the-blank, you the father you the husband, etc.)?" but... how are you? And I meant it fully and was most present when I asked because I know... everyone is wrapped up in the slight and the pain you caused and nobody stops a moment to consider that in this supremely fucked up situation--you are hurting too. You were forced to make a choice and it was an impossible choice, right? A no winners at any corner sort of choice so you made the "right" choice and I can see the hollows carved in the shadows on your eyes--the price you are paying. And so I asked...
And I passed through you, through the arch and I felt the stretch... compelled as I was to reach up both hands and touch the apex. I stopped for a moment and I smiled... I smiled to move beneath it and through it and then... then I was in that space and our fingertips were touching and my other arm was laced beneath my head, a cushion and I opened my eyes to look into yours... No shadows here.
I recall only breathing. I recall only the movement of breath in this space and the warmth of your hand, the warmth radiating from your body stretched out so close to my own and I am filled with your longing--it's hard and vicious. It twists inside me. And I don't have to ask here. I don't have to ask because I know.
... in a moment of weakness and brilliance I am neither here, nor there. I disintegrate willfully.