Spaz
In a moment of nowhere and everywhere I cannot settle, I am floating.  I feel aimless and I feel dislocated and I feel alone and I feel lonely.  I stop and I drop.  Words here, words there.  Waiting.
I do not know for what...

Listening to: In the Waiting Line by Zero 7
Listening to: Eireann by Afro Celt Sound System
Listening to: Just Like Heaven by Katie Melua




...I woke up standing at a deli counter, flipping cole slaw onto a foam tray which was already filled with mashed potatoes and yellow gravy.  As I woke into these hands that at first seemed to know how to do this correctly the tray became unbalanced and it flipped sideways.  The contents landing on my face, cole slaw sauce dripping into my mouth.  I turned around and there were tables of people waiting for food.  100's.  I looked back at the counter and at my co-worker who was screaming at me to hurry up, to stop being so clumsy.  I ran from the deli, wiping my face on an apron, tossing it into a trash can. As I ran past the crowd waiting for food I saw my cousin Angie, I noticed her red hair.  It seemed to be the only color in the crowd.

out onto the sidewalk, and down... still running.

& I'm in my house and the carpeting is wet and I'm pulling it back in long rows and carrying it out into the street.  The air outside, the atmosphere, it's grey tinged with yellow and it's slightly difficult to breathe.  I drop the roll of damp carpet onto the sidewalk and turn to go into the house.  Angela is on my porch (though not my cousin this time, Angela--a woman I know) and she is telling me something but I see her lips moving and I hear no sound... or it's dampened down too.  I can hear the sound of her voice but cannot make out what she is saying and the rush of my blood--the sound of it fills my ears though it too is quiet, hushed.  It is still louder than her meaning and...

...I wake up in a subway car.  It was a long string of subway cars that had been modded and repurposed.  I live here.  I am standing in front of the kitchen sink and looking at a medicine cupboard... it is full and her voice (her?) behind me said, "you need to throw those all away.  She kept everything--we both know that, but medicine... that's dangerous and it's probably old anyway.  Look at some of this."  And we pulled out dozens of small white paper bags (like popcorn bags only filled with pills).  I opened one of the bag and sniffed.  The big red pills smelled like flouride.  I started to drop them into a canister, one after another.  They were all very old.  Some of the contents had crumbled into powder. 

Later, same feel.  I'm walking down the city street, it's dusk.  I turn the corner and enter a doorway, walk into a vast and empty room... a cavern carved out of the city scape.  The walls are moist though not dripping.  I can smell water in the air, it smells cool and clean and I feel it on my face.  It eases the pressure inside me--being in this room.  I walk toward the back, toward the darkness and then through.

I'm standing in the snow.  I am not dressed to be outside but she (the same she which is also ??) is grabbing my hand and dragging me, screaming "run!  NOW!"  And we run through the snow which is brilliant and white and around me I see dark splotches here and there and we run.  It's uphill and it's through snow and it's hard.  My lungs burn and the cold air is pulling tears from my eyes.  She is slightly ahead of me and I see her stop and I slow.  I am glad for this as I feel the snow give way beneath my feet and I am down on my hands and knees grabbing for purchase and only finding snow falling away beneath me and then, finally then rock.  I grab and hold and breathe.  I hear nothing except the raging of my breath and then I hear her sigh, "look.  Oh my god.  Look."  And I wipe away mounds of snow from before my face while also still trying to make sure my body is supported by something solid and not snow which is still falling away around me.  And I see, I see that we have reached the edge, the top and before us is a chasm deep and dark and endless.  I am terrified of heights and the world spins before me.  I dig my fingers into the rock beneath me.  "Open your eyes and LOOK!"  And she's screaming at me now.  I sense that time has passed, like I might have blacked out and I open my eyes.  I look into her face and she is pointing.  I follow her finger and I look.  Across the chasm, across the deep and endless black before me I see the other side.  And there is a chair of red and green velvet.  It isn't just a chair though, it is glorious and it is enormous.  Even from here, from my vantage point so far away it seems large.  I try to grasp how big it might be were I standing before it and I get dizzy again.  A red and green velvet chair of gigantic proportions on top of a snowy mountain surrounded by nothingness and dark sky.  "It is his," she says and I am falling away...

I wake pressed against cool marble. My skin is warm in contrast and the hands holding me up against it are hot.  After the snow everything feels hot.  His hands press my skin, hold me up here in this hallway and the feel of his lips against mine is soft and gentle and yet his fingers are hard, his fingers are hungry.  That hunger pushes into my center and my knees buckle.  He counters and holds me up, pulling me up and into and against his body all the while still kissing me.  I can feel the softness of his shirt.  I can feel the same softness and slip of the material of his slacks as I slide and press and slide and press.  It isn't like skin on skin contact but everything is hot and I can feel the heat of skin beneath--both his own and the answering heat of mine.  And the kisses, the slow and gentle kisses that are so soft that I lose track of where I am, where he is and then he opens me, pushes into me and simultaneously I can feel the muscle beneath I can feel my own body my body and his body and as his hands pull me against him yet again, I can feel his hips, his legs, his need as well.  My own legs want to open, to wrap, to encase, to pull him in, pull him closer.  And my knees buckle again.  Regain my footing, lose it again all in tandem to the pull--to this pull like waves and a different sort of heat builds inside me, rages within me.  It pushes out from my insides, it seeks and it hungers too.  I hear a bell far away, far behind me and the soft hiss of elevator doors sliding open.  He guides me back and inside and for a moment I am steady though still lost in these kisses, in the feel of his hands pushing at cloth, seeking skin.  His hand slides across my stomach, finally... oh yes.  Finally.  And I feel him all around me and even still everything is hot, my skin is burning up as though I have a fever, I can feel small beads of sweat pop out across my skin.  And the kissing and the fingers and once again my knees buckle and I am (finally) falling.  For a brief moment I am falling into his hands and into his lips and I open my eyes and the light is gentle here and warm and barely registers color but then perhaps it is just fading as it's all fading.  I cling to the sensation of being touched and being kissed like this and that moment when it pushes inside me and everything goes soft in a way that I have absolutely no control over and I play that moment over and over again as though I have the remote and am rewinding,repeating, rewinding... which would suggest more control than I feel and more control than I want to feel because I want no control here.  I only want to be lost here in this moment and in the feel of his lips against my own and I lose the grasp, I feel it slip and I fall... which may only be the movement of the elevator itself but I am losing awareness of my physicality, I am only sensation and only falling...

into waking.

...though the moment of falling.
Oh, it was brilliant.  The transition, the movement, the push against and into the brink was filled with the continuity of the whole and not just the dream whole, but The Whole--the one neverending string of sameness that followed me from cole slaw to peeling back wet and smelly carpet to old powdery pills to snow and red&green velvet thrones on top of dark, snowy mountains to kissing in an elevator.

We were moving down, by the way.