Vertigo.

2011-02-18T12:01:00.000-05:00

invisible wrapped up... rapt. onerous. pissed off. on edge. listening to A Perfect Circle. hating it and not. this moment I mean. I feel like weeping. not sobbing, not hysterical crying. I do not even have anything to be sad about. maybe it's the fucking hormones. maybe it's this fucking world. maybe it's the... maybe it's nothing.

2011-02-06T08:59:00.003-05:00

Currents Current Book: Finishing up: The Fall (book two of The Strain Series) by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan. The series is super enjoyable. I recommend it. Though the third book does not come out until October and I have stopped short of finishing book two as I know it is going to leave me hanging and totally pissed off. :) On deck: Let Me In by John Ajvide Lindqvist Current CD:

2011-02-06T07:33:00.005-05:00

Spaz In a moment of nowhere and everywhere I cannot settle, I am floating. I feel aimless and I feel dislocated and I feel alone and I feel lonely. I stop and I drop. Words here, words there. Waiting. I do not know for what... Listening to: In the Waiting Line by Zero 7 Listening to: Eireann by Afro Celt Sound System Listening to: Just Like Heaven by Katie Melua ...I woke up standing at

2010-06-17T11:33:00.003-04:00

Currents Current Book: I am currently reading many books in bits & pieces. Freakonomics, Girls on Edge, Model Home. I was reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest but I borrowed that (well all of them, really) from the library & I took too long reading it so I let it go to the next person waiting & put my name back on the list. Current CD: Linkin Park's Meteora. Current Link: http:

2010-06-15T11:00:00.003-04:00

Alignments...in a moment of weakness and brilliance I am neither here, nor there. I disintegrate willfully.I pass through you, through you and into the space that lives in the confines of my memory. I recall laying stretched out with you, knee to knee, toe to toe, fingertips touching. I opened my eyes and looked into yours. It was never really real to begin with--just a moment in a dreaming

2010-06-11T11:22:00.002-04:00

Complimentary Lines.Access to hidden places filled with tossed treasures. Access to higher aspects of self that contain riches aged and softened and comfortable. Handmade things. Glass and cool marble and hardened things. Fingering price tags though because even here, even here things cost.Exiting through the back door. The stairs twist and change behind me, the way is blocked--inaccessible.

2010-05-16T09:41:00.004-04:00

Listen.It wears me down. The overwhelming negativity and the strenuous stretch towards unattainable perfection. I can feel the tendrils of despair wrap themselves around me. I can feel that familiar squeeze on my heart, the wrenching tug that resembles the need to vomit rippling slow across my insides. I float outside myself and observe these things and I do so knowing that it's all oh so

2010-04-21T19:52:00.005-04:00

constricted.I'm on an Alix Olson kick again. She makes me feel expansive and power-full. She blows my mind every damn time I listen to her. So I'm running and I'm listening to Subtle Sister and: "See, sometimes anger’s subtle, stocked in metaphorfull of finesse and dressed in allureyes, sometimes anger’s subtle, less rage than sadleaking slow through spigots you didn’t know you had.and

2010-04-18T08:40:00.003-04:00

I feel lost.I feel as though I lost my home on the web and no longer know where I belong. I wrote. For a decade I wrote there. Then I wrote here. Then I did not write. Not anywhere. My voice feels smashed up, pent up, boxed in. It's making me crazy. Or maybe, the truth is--I just am crazy. I've explored that avenue enough to beat hundreds of dead horses. I no longer really care. Crazy

2009-02-11T05:37:00.002-05:00

Movie Played in Reverse. We were walking down the highway. We all were. Everyone. Every dreaming soul. This was that road... that road that takes you in & takes you out. We kept to our own lanes--those that were just arriving and heading towards. Those that had already been and were heading back. Keeping to our lanes. I was moving towards. I passed him at the crossroads. He was

2009-01-31T06:26:00.002-05:00

Have to get this off my chest...So. I'm never late. You know, as in the monthly thing. I am, as a rule, always several days early. I don't have a 28 day cycle. I tend to swing more toward 21 days. And so... when I'm 3 days late for the date as predicted via mycycle which runs on a 28 day prediction cycle... then I'm really more like running on almost a week late....this is so fucking

2008-12-02T08:47:00.003-05:00

check list: Filed application for graduation. Sent it last week & am hoping that, given the holiday week, it was received by the deadline. Registered for final two classes this morning. My biggest complaint about this whole process would likely be that hardly any of the profs have a syllabus posted by registration. Considering the process of proctored exams & the fact that my proctor is a

2008-11-22T10:34:00.004-05:00

smooth.So far I have resisted sending a note to an old crush from college... you know the one? That one that you wanted to Do Something With but never actually did? The one that you were pretty certain Wanted to Do Something With You as well but respected your crazy implied boundaries that were never actually spoken? The one that would have been a bad, bad decision to pursue but 17 years later

2008-11-20T08:09:00.003-05:00

I hate December. (*e*)I especially hate December when I had to spend $700 on various teeth issues in the last half of November. The $700 spent does not count the 2 full weeks that were interrupted by J having to stay home because of his teeth issues--which means 2 full weeks of less than half a paycheck. So, all the $$ I'd been scrimping together for xmas is now gone and then some. On top of

2008-11-14T08:30:00.004-05:00

Bullets:my not yet 10 year old daughter was moody & complaining about "cramps" yesterday.I was dealing with cramps of my own so pretty much "whatever" regarding her complaints.my brain is far too stuffed with information right now.our closing on the cabin was pushed back due to deer season. I really wanted to spend thanksgiving up there, so I am disappointed. But then I realized that I already

2008-10-21T14:52:00.002-04:00

starts & stops...So. We may be buying a cabin on 10 acres up North... I say may as I'm trying not to get my hopes up and the last one we looked at fell thru at the last minute and it all stank to high heaven of something along the lines of a realtor conspiracy theory... like maybe she'd never seen the property we asked her to show us & when she did, thought it was such a great buy that she had

2008-10-05T01:26:00.000-04:00

I'm so damn tired. I woke up at 4 this morning & it was the kind of awake where you just get out of bed because you know sleep won't return. 30 minutes before we left for an out of town wedding, I found out the wedding and reception were outside. Who does that in October? It was 40 degrees tonight. I froze. We all froze. We left early but as we had rode with another couple I felt obligated to do

2008-09-27T07:21:00.002-04:00

Reunions & other garbageSo I don't have time but I'm spending this whole day traveling to see various family members. I haven't seen any of them in 2 or 3 years. There have been babies born that are now toddlers... I need to go but I also need to finish writing five mini-essays this week & was originally planning on dedicating my entire weekend to that as we are going down again next weekend

2008-09-26T18:52:00.003-04:00

heavy heart...so he's been having... issues. & he's been to the doctor & there's no discernible physical cause. He's in excellent health. & so they give him samples of the men's drugs and they... work but don't. Or sometimes do & sometimes don't. (or when we do, now there's another unfortunate thing that happens which is. Over & done, 30 secs.) I suspected for some time that it was related

2008-09-22T18:50:00.001-04:00

like this...What happens when you enter this daydreamy sort of fragmented existence and somehow sort of stumble upon this weird bit of soft and other "something" that has you smelling the air to see if he is around because he smells good and warm and somehow more real and you've come to recognize this scent... You look for reasons to talk to him. What questions can you ask him? Thing is, you

2008-09-13T08:11:00.004-04:00

Bad dreams & other unseemly things...So, I've been dreaming about enormous demon mice that hide in the walls of my house & come out at night to chew off the dogs legs and things like that... I wake up in the dreaming & stumble over a severed dog leg & my dog limps about and whines and I can hear this demon mouse scuttling about in the walls. It is really rather terrifying.Then there's the latest

2008-08-27T06:49:00.003-04:00

Heady Stuff.I begged him, "I know you're trying to be "good." Be good to me. Please." But he wouldn't budge. I could say his name over and over again and I sometimes do, inside my mind. It plays like music inside my head. It wasn't a crush, or an infatuation or... I don't even know what it was exactly. Or what it wasn't. All I know is he pushed buttons. And it was all innocent fun on his

2008-06-04T05:57:00.002-04:00

Random...So, textbooks. They're a total scam I think. I paid $139 for my psych book set last term. I bought it used. The bookstore said they'd buy it back from me for... Twenty-three dollars! (I used it for 8 weeks) so they can sell it to someone else used for $139 again? That's such bullshit. So I listed my texts on half.com & just sold my psych set for $61. I figure that's gotta be

2008-06-04T05:52:00.003-04:00

breathe & slide Bits of dreaming...Live chat lecture turns live-live... sitting in the standard fare classroom chairs. I've come in late though my body was here already... slide into my mind & look out through these eyes and my hand has been transcribing notes... pages of them sit neatly beneath one another. I'm writing. I turn around and I look at the faces that go with the voices. I smile a

2008-04-27T16:47:00.002-04:00

*brush off the dust*I suppose I could have just started a new one of these things.I may not write at all.I don't really know.I need a place to decompress though and the other place is...not that right now?Something like that.This has been my day thus far.Visited with family. Got irritated. Not at the family, but that we were supposed to breeze in for a quick visit that turned into three hours.

2007-04-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

...tyger......this is just... wow. it's like one of my dreams made into video.and then there's this:Tiramatzah.This looks yummy.(courtesy of evilmadscientist laboratories... which is not really all run together like that, but I like *saying* it like that in my head)Also yummy, is the vision of another evil mad (ok, not really but) scientist (all the same) that has been running about in my head

2007-03-31T09:50:00.000-04:00

I can't stop thinking about this:

2007-03-30T08:20:00.000-04:00

revisiting the beasties...(Beastie Boys that is. Pauls' Boutique and Sounds of Science. Loud.)I should probably be thinking about any number of things other than the thing that I find myself thinking about this morning. I should be thinking about where I'm going with the job. I should be thinking about figuring out how I'm going to pay the two bills that I *have* to pay today... I should be

2007-03-29T12:11:00.000-04:00

Also...I just came across this website and now I am so totally wishing that I had an ipod.

2007-03-29T11:33:00.001-04:00

Can I get one of these to paste on my forehead please??

2007-03-29T09:58:00.000-04:00

No Title Today....just a note to say that I am really becoming annoyed by this little thing. Every time I hear the beginning of a Justin Timerlake song, I think I LIKE it.Until he starts to actually...sing.And then I think, god, that's really awful....and it leaves me feeling a little cheated every single time...

2007-03-25T13:39:00.000-04:00

GOOD OMENS (and links o' the day)Man, this was funny... plus it ties in with my thoughts for today:Are You Still Having Fun?Little girl: Look, Mommy! Those two girls are wearing angel wings.Hipster chick #1: Actually, they're fairy wings.Little girl: Why are you wearing fairy wings?Hipster chick #2: We just felt like wearing them for fun.Crazy guy: Hey, ladies! Nice wings. You

2007-03-22T09:04:00.000-04:00

chugging the coffee...which means I pour it and let it cool down a little bit first. Then I gulp it down. I'd say I don't know why I'm so tired but I do know why. It's a combo of:1) burning up from the inside out--mania(not good) and passion (kind of better than mania)2) a slight overlay of depression because the finances could be (alotfucking) better3) change. change is good but it is also

2007-03-19T08:48:00.000-04:00

editing.Going through my links folders & adding stuff I might want to get around to reading to my nifty little google reader thing. I think about reading and books & how I have this combination love/hate thing going on with them right now... I push myself to read them because it's something that used to give me such pleasure, however as much as I hate to admit it--I do think that part of the "

2007-03-15T10:14:00.000-04:00

also, this was kind of fun:Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™...also, because when I skimmed through, picking my favorite/most suitable pics, I didn't really feel compelled to pick "smoke" or "cigarettes" as my "treat" or "vice."(even though there's something about the Spring with the warming weather & being outside more &... I don't know why but for the first time since I quit

2007-03-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

unknown.It's not that I'm unhappy or... I don't know, maybe I am and I've just always been this way and so, it's impossible, really for me to know anything different. Maybe what I have in mind is really that only in dreams impossibility and therefore, actually fairly selfish of me to even lust after it. When I think on it, he's still--after nearly twenty years--the first person I want to call

2007-03-01T09:01:00.000-05:00

Sorta Survey... Swiped from intothesky. I've done this before ages & ages ago but didn't remember the key so thought it would be interesting to try it again for kicks. Body: Psychoanalyze Yourself. Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read the key to discover what each answer means. (No cheating! ) 1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods.

2007-02-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

Recommended Reading?I've found some GREAT reads by surfing notes these days. My most recent favorite, even though I'm only about 1/3 of the way in is "Villa Incognito" by Tom Robbins (it's quirky & odd but I really LIKE the way he writes). I also borrowed "Skinny Legs & All". I think the actual book recommended (aside from Tom Robbins just in general) was "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot

2007-02-15T14:46:00.000-05:00

stupid fucking mainstream media notions of romance and love.Ah... romantic love. My most favorite TV Crush these days, surpassing even my adoration for the quirky Grissom has become Joe Dubois/aka Jake Weber. Last nights episode of "Medium" tugged my pathetic heart strings in much the same way as the season finale did. Yes, I cried. And it was all because of Jake Weber's portrayal of what? .

2007-02-14T18:19:00.000-05:00

paralimi-what?...the thing is, these paraliminal cd things are supposed to be reinforcing the idea within myself that I'm fully capable of performing and hey! succeeding (here's the tricky part) beyond the confines of the "box" I've allowed myself to perform and succeed within thus far... realizing of course, that this box no longer fits what I want out of life and blah blah blah. So I listen,

2007-02-13T18:21:00.000-05:00

frame of mind...The man just bought a new Carhart winter jacket. He's needed one. I think he managed to get 4 or 5 years out of the last one, even though he burned a hole in the elbow at work about 3 days after he got it new. So he's had a cold elbow for 4 or 5 years. He was due for a new winter jacket. I didn't ask but I'm sure it was close to $100. He told me I needed to get one like it

2007-02-13T18:19:00.000-05:00

stolen...from slavemagdala. I'm in agreement with her, the questions were good ones. I am aSnapdragon What Flower Are You?

2007-02-13T14:07:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is...Tiger and I am a linkaholic.I'm doing nothing but linking these days. I write (although not always here) and I can't help but post this link or that and it's not that I have nothing to say these days. I do. It's just that there's so much fun stuff out there. My fickle fascination with Myspace was soon slammed to the wayside by delicious & power-searching librarian links..

2007-02-11T17:30:00.000-05:00

...crazy like that...Because I am, and because I enjoy trying new things... and because I had such great luck with the quitting smoking brainwashing technique (in other words, it totally worked and I've had no negative side-effects, no desire to smoke & I've not replaced that habit with something else, like eating so my weight has stayed the same).I have been giving these paraliminal cd's a try.

2007-02-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

Seven MonthsI've been... A quitter. Smoke free for over 4 weeks now. ...yeah I think I was trying this quitting thing the last time I wrote too. That didn't work. This time it's for really real, no desire to go back.Climbing ladders at work. (not) Crossing my fingers regarding the possibility of full time w/ benefits coming my way very soon, as well as the possibility of being able to finish

2006-06-05T08:46:00.000-04:00

not not happy...is the thing, really. I'm not unhappy. These days (the past few weeks? something) I'm highly frustrated. It seems like the pattern is definitely many, many steps back for each step forward & the struggle that surrounds striving to gain that step. Some voice inside my head whispers, "Why? Why bother?" over & over & over. & the thing is, I don't have any answers for myself

2006-06-04T11:24:00.000-04:00

not so much...my horoscope this past week has been all about basking in the shine of Victory and I feel more defeated & deflated than usual... so I just read them & sigh, "whatever."

2006-04-20T10:32:00.000-04:00

it's in the air...I slow down, here, for this moment because I am listening. Because I am listening, I close my eyes. I hear... fans, a sigh, the faint hint of music as the garage band down the street rumbles out practice. I hear my thoughts as they clatter about in my mind. They possess a hushed roar that is their own--it is separate, and solitary. I feel the calm settle over my face, it

2006-04-03T09:25:00.000-04:00

Just... whatever.free-floating anxiety doesn't exactly "give way" to this other thing... it's more like it expands and contracts & expands & contracts... it opens itself up, rips itself apart, composes itself into something more than what it was. Anxiety, irritability, & yeah, more than a touch of depression...Filling in a gap or two... My Mom has gone back to the now "sober" formerly "ex" & now

2006-03-14T12:40:00.000-05:00

PMS stands for Prone to Murphy's (law) Shit...This morning was the morning from hell. By the time the girl got up--with a massive 'tude of her own & spewing sass left & right... I told her firmly, "I suggest you take your attitude upstairs & come down when you're able to talk to me normally." Then I told the toaster how much I depised its toasterly-ness for getting in my way and I spilled my

2006-03-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

Listening to:"Unwritten" by Natasha BedingfieldPowered by CastpostMoved my Mom out & back in with my Dad this past week. She wasn't and isn't thrilled about this--but... Either way, the asshole is out, he's gone & it's done.I am tired, tired, tired... from moving an entire household & setting it up elsewhere in two days... from starting to work a couple of days a week for the Man in addition to

2006-02-28T07:38:00.000-05:00

Switch.We moved our old phone number up to the shop as it's been the business line forever--it's just been that the office *was* the house & the move to change that was made shortly before christmas. The upshot of that was, in transferring our dsl connection to a new number... I had the brilliant idea that it would be *better* to make the main dsl account up using an id that I'd actually use (as

2006-02-22T07:09:00.000-05:00

*laughing*...horoscope for today would read as such..."Question authority on all levels today. The leaders are not telling the whole truth." Umm... Ya think?"When you're startled, one never knows what you might say or do in response -- that goes for any situation. But now that you're feeling a bit more emotional than usual, if there's anyone who's been toying with you unfairly of late, it might

2006-02-22T06:45:00.000-05:00

Oil of Angels.(or divine ecstasy)...he was insane--or it would be easy for one to buy that argument... I could seeit in his eyes... only I guess when I say that--insane, I mean--I don't mean it the way one would probably take it in conventional terms... & I random through the thesaurus & catch the entry for "demonic" & smile a bit at the inclusion of such words as "insane."impious, hellish,

2006-02-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

flight......I don't know that I've ever really watched the Olympics like I have this year... in part it's because the girl is all about watching "the athletics" every night... "Mom, are the athletics on yet?" The man laughs at me & says, "You are unbelievable... 35 & you have a crush!! A crush on a SNOWBOARDER."I probably do...but come ON...how is this not just beyond fabulous?...seriously? I

2006-02-07T08:34:00.000-05:00

calm...my face is pale & peaked looking lately... My stomach is fickle and not particularly happy for long with anything I might give it... It grumbles, complains, flips around on me. I eat carefully & with caution and it doesn't matter. Stress reaction? Who knows...I've had a strange craving for music that caused me to go looking for various "hindi" stuff. I'm currently listening to some house

2006-02-01T05:55:00.000-05:00

state of in-betweenI dream...climbing dirt paths on steep hills & seeing a giraffe & when I turned to look again, it was just a woman--a very tall woman with very giraffe-like... well just about all things about her were giraffe-like...dancing at some grungy local bar (on vacation, yes I was) & they'd rigged up some sort of slide with a mattress & people were climbing up to a platform & sliding/

2006-01-28T06:02:00.000-05:00

meandering......my head still feels fuckered up... only I'm fighting a bad sinus infection (because you know, in addition to all the other shit going on in my life my body needs ONE more thing to process)... so I can't decide if the fucked-upedness is from the car door attacking me or just general sinus related crap......so I have been monitoring my pupils periodically & they seem equal in size &

2006-01-27T08:38:00.000-05:00

talking is difficult...y'know, verbal expression is not one of my strengths. I tend to get far too emotional to fully articulate what it is I *really* mean. But we did talk and it consisted of admitting how long & how far we've let things just... go. & the gossip... was just that--gossip. (I even had my own spies on the trail & there is no 23 year old with the name Xxx Xxxxxwhatever) I know

2006-01-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

...on food, sleep & doing far too much......and listening to to *most* pathetic, angsty, sad songs I have in my collection... I had to switch off from Alix as the kids were around & so I just picked a few files & at the moment it occured to me that I need to switch back because there's something to be said for being Pissed. ...at least according to my shrink ages & fucking ages ago... most (not

2006-01-24T03:50:00.000-05:00

I am going to be ok...because I am ok...because I've always been ok...I just never really "got it"listening to:Alix OlsonPowered by Castpost

2006-01-21T07:54:00.000-05:00

stupid...fucking gossip spreading mother fucking assholes......should be......tortured...slowly.with tiny bladed instruments and scratching things.Or... you know, a verbal lashing carefully designed and executed in front of their peers that would make them feel like the most idiotic fucked up & useless person on the planet...I'd actually enjoy that one far more.The Long & the Short of It would be

2006-01-18T14:47:00.000-05:00

Forcetoday I:forced myself to get out of bedforced myself to take a bathforced myself to get dressedforced myself to drive to the boy's school & have lunch with himforced myself to smile & grin & listen to his friends and their stories and appear relatively Happy and Normalforced myself to run a few errands... return a movie, return the empty cans...then allowed myself to come back home, quit

2006-01-17T10:15:00.000-05:00

Procrastinationis my favored vacation spot...Layer OneName: ...at my birth my Mom was lobbying for Vanessa and my Dad for Laurie. They actually chose a name that bears little resemblance to either of these... and honestly I've never felt like it really "fit" either... My middle name is Elaine (for my Maternal Grandmother) and I *love* it.Birthdate: 02/27/1971Birthplace: Pontiac, MICurrent

2006-01-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

Meme from EchoStep 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection.Step 2: Put it on random.Step 3: Pick your favorite lines from the first 15 songs that play, no matter how embarassing the song.Step 4: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.Step 5: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.( And remember--please don't

2006-01-14T09:08:00.000-05:00

I Have Issues...or rather, I spotted a mini magnetic pen at the gas station the other day that had this printed on it. I couldn't resist it & bought it for the man. I gave it to him at the shop & his partner & two employees almost died. He threw it back at me, saying--"You drove all the way back up here to give me THAT?" His partner told him, "Sorry... but that was totally WORTH her driving all

2006-01-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

blah-de-blah blah blah...I kind of thought this was oddly appropriate (or appropriately odd or... y'know):Your 2005 Song IsBeverly Hills by Weezer"My automobile is a piece of crapMy fashion sense is a little whackAnd my friends are just as screwy as me"You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?...I am dealing with sick kids, a sick self and a sick sense of (

2006-01-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

...question of the day...what good is "auto-save" if it doesn't... you know--automatically SAVE?I was listening to Aimee Mann but was feeling the pull of "down" so I have switched over to the Matrix ST (or rather, a mixed bag of bits of ALL of them).& the last 30 minutes of writing down the drain... while mostly mindless are still lost.I dreamt last night that we went to fil/smil's for christmas

2006-01-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

The End of the World.I've been having Apocalypse Type dreams for the past week or so... they've been scary in a way and yet--entertaining at the same time (in a "this isn't really happening to me" kind of way). This afternoon though... it was so odd. I dreamt that the kids had gotten in with a group of my cousins kids or something & they'd gone Lord of the Flies or something... and I was trying

2006-01-05T07:08:00.000-05:00

Let's Get Lost...in the space in between.I've not forgottenit's just easier nowto believe it was a dream.listening to:Powered by Castpost

2006-01-03T05:01:00.000-05:00

...in need of a warm-up...so this may be short & sweet. the kids go back to school today & the man goes back to work today & I survived working yesterday even though mostly what we did was answer the phone every 10 minutes & have conversations like this:"...oh. You are open today! Nobody else is.""Yes. We are open. & yes. We know that nobody else is."I'm glad to usher everyone off to their

2005-12-31T10:11:00.000-05:00

...away...Spent the week before xmas doing the things one normally does in the week before xmas... you know, like grinding teeth & gritting ones jaw & experiencing random & not so random attacks of Holiday Stress...Spent xmas eve & the however many days following that out in MN visiting family... which was you know... Family Fun...Take four generations of blood relatives, add a few bottles of gin

2005-12-20T05:30:00.000-05:00

New High!!I have been getting sleep that is so good that my mind flips the "ON!!!!" switch at 2 fucking 45 this morning.I opened my eyes. I looked at the clock. I sighed. No way... No. Way. I closed my eyes. The man began snoring rather loudly about 1.5 inches from my ear. ...as he was sleeping like a dead person on more than half my pillow I really had nowhere to go but OFF the bed... I

2005-12-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

3:4... three forty-something...Is what time I got up this morning. What's worse is... I stayed up. I probably would not have actually gotten out of bed really, but I stretched & when my arm poked out from beneath the blankets... well it was *cold*. I got up to put wood on the fire & there were about 2 very small coals left. By the time I put wood on and got it burning enough that I could feel

2005-12-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

country music is really damned depressing..."hey, let's go to X town 45 minutes away for dinner with so&so & so& so & their kid and won't that be kind of fun?"...perhaps in theory......when you factor in the girl & her sick tummy & her tendency towards getting "car sick" and the oddity that would be her not wanting to go ANYwhere yesterday (which is odd. "hey, honey--it's just the girls today,

2005-12-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

kind of/sort of falling apart....imagine that...listening to:Powered by Castpost(The Chemical Brother's "Where Do I Begin" from the Vanilla Sky ST ...my current "obsession" )& playing on Photoshop cuz I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm just basically letting myself have a Shitty Attitude Day.

2005-12-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

soft...I haven't felt like dragging a brush through my hair...so I haven't. just towel drying in the curls, pulling it back or up or back&up... & today was just conditioner... one that claims "smoothing" in its description... & air drying & no curls and I didn't even pull it up...so my hair... it's soft against my face, soft and loose & wavy, hiding half my face as I type in the dark because I

2005-12-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

still playing...just not fair.or... something like that.

2005-12-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

no difference... no more drawing lines between dreams & desires & all the other drivel... mostly because I don't feel like it & then also because it makes it all so much less fun that way. ..better to let it all flow together like a good memory should.I crawled across his skin several nights ago, I spread out across him, atop him... I straddled him. I took his hands in my own & pulled his arms

2005-12-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

...migraine... ...fucking headaches...I've got a migraine from hell brewing. My eyes hurt in a way that makes me want to pull them from my skull, my head feels like it is being yanked in 12 different directions.. god, even my BRAIN hurts... & I feel like I might be sick at any moment...I feel an ice pack & the day (or at least morning?) in bed coming my way quickly...

2005-11-30T08:38:00.000-05:00

retreat--in context (sort of):Bits & pieces from the week preceding... in which I began a new vitamin program and have actually been... oh, I don't know--sleeping for real. As in, I sleep & wake and think... "oh. wow. so that's what sleep should feel like." It's been so long since I've experienced restful/true sleep that I forget. Since I'm sleeping this past week I've also been dreaming again

2005-11-29T09:43:00.000-05:00

retreat.listening to: Bjork, "I've Seen It All" from Selmasongs.....running through city streets that are unfamiliar... feeling frantic--I'm late for the ferry and I'm not entirely certain how to even get there......I was looking forward to this... a week long retreat. & I had things with me that weren't familar to me at all & none of it seemed to be anything that I needed even... when I finally

2005-11-14T18:12:00.000-05:00

love affairs...between my NaNo efforts (or efforts at procrastination as the case may be) and my new love-- DeviantArt--AND staying up till all damn hours of the morning (nearly 2 am) watching more "Lost" episodes... and then getting up at 4:45 am with the man & you know... I could have gone back to sleep after I said good-bye & scooted him out the door 15 minutes later... but I didn't...lack of

2005-11-12T17:25:00.000-05:00

getting lost...(in a different way from getting lost in "Lost"--although I did that last night as well staying up FAR too late & watching 3 episodes in a row. I think I stopped only because I ran out of dvd's. but anyway. this is not that)getting lost inside myself... in a good way... or at least not a bad way. ...or something along those lines. like that thought that gets stuck--I can see it but

2005-11-11T21:28:00.000-05:00

pictures...it's not late... barely 9:30 on a Friday night. Yet, the house is dark and the woodstove full.The futon just creaked (meaning the ginormous dog just hopped up there with the girl) & I can hear the squeak-squeak-squeak of said dogs blue, plush stuffed rabbit--his "fluffy". The boy looks at me funny when I tell the dog to "git yer fluffy!" The boy looks at me with eyes that are being

2005-11-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

quick & random...Since I have a fairly pathetic immune system & between work & the kids, I usually wind up "catching" some flu bug or another & wind up jumping from one to the next until Spring. & given the fact that I'm really fucking tired of spending roughly 6 months out of the year feeling vaguely/not so vaguely "flu-like" I decided to try some of that Airborne stuff. I can say--from

2005-11-10T09:10:00.000-05:00

a perfect circle...is what I'm listening to this morning as I work up to writing. I was seriously straddling the fence about whether to participate in this years NaNo...As it turned out... I've wound up with 6,360 words without really trying. While that falls far below what the "average" word count per day *should* be... I find that in some ways I don't mind. Writing this year has been more

2005-11-10T05:42:00.000-05:00

Happy HNT...ran out of coffee this morning... well yesterday morning. ...forgot to pick some up at some point during the day yesterday. Going to the store straight from bed is probably not the smartest thing to do really... especially not after a night of High Winds... especially not when taking into consideration the fact that I really did not give myself time to wake up. ...jump out of bed, no

2005-11-09T08:58:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine recommended this...(listening to: Portishead, "Roads")It's a site of an old friend of hers with some amazing photography. It's in Czech so I can't read it (but looking at the travel pics & thinking about their experiences it makes me really want to *learn* to read it just so I can read about it :)Martin Mykiska...and... oh, nevermind I just noticed they have a link in English but

2005-11-07T12:17:00.000-05:00

wishing I could...I don't know... escape this odd smell that is like a cross between something burnt & something else that I can't quite put my finger on... whatever it is--it's not gross but close enough... plus it sends my OCD tendencies over the top & make it difficult to resist the urge to walk around the house & sniff things... outlets, dvd players--and then check & check & recheck to make

2005-11-03T19:45:00.000-05:00

switching gears...listening to: NIN "Closer" (deviation version)...that's all...(but not... y'know, really)The conference went long (meaning the man is outta town) so I have the rest of tonight (till about 10-ish) to myself again (relatively speaking that is)... in addition to last night... sleeping alone felt wonderfully fabulous. Not having to get up at 4 am--even more so. I'm not certain if it

2005-11-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

conversation from the ER...Doc: "Hey Tiger's Mom."Mom: "Hey."Doc: "Well... he fell. He broke his nose. We had to put in 8 stitches."Mom: "Was he drunk?"Doc: "Yep."There was talk about how drunk he was, his blood alcohol level etc & my Dad was arguing that he'd only had 2 drinks & the doc said, "well... either you started drinking & forgot how many you had after the 2nd or you fixed yourself two

2005-11-03T06:08:00.000-05:00

...I'd feel like a heartless bitch, but...I'm too fucking tired to muster up enough of anything to get there.This round of the flu has got to be the worst I've had in a long time. I *feel* like I get the flu a lot, or a "cold" or whatever but that's part of living with fibromyalgia... a lot of the time it's not a "real" flu--it's just that fibro often makes one feel "flu-like." ...which would

2005-11-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

I like to bury things....while this could be some variation of learned behavior and one could read those words and assign any number of ideas to them... it's not that. Or perhaps it is likely that I've taken something old & worn out and no longer useful and I've turned it into something to play with, have fun with...enjoy.So I bury things and I hide things and I secret bits of myself away here &

2005-11-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

free video rentals...for my sick body... or the sick mind that is currently operating it & refusing to let it rest & stuff. I printed out two coupons for free rentals--yay for me. & I have the first season of "Lost" currently on its lovely way (because that's how lame *I* am... I've got every episode from the first season on my damn computer but I swear I do not ever have time to oh... actually

2005-11-01T16:23:00.000-05:00

...a little something......because I'm outrageously bored and sick and should go lay down but really don't feel like it. ...because, because, because...Copy this entire list into your blog. BOLD everything about you that is true.Leave plain anything that is false about you.Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.(I added all the extra asides in italics because

2005-11-01T14:32:00.000-05:00

a super short but meaningful wish list:I should have napped today but didn't feel like wasting precious ME time... seeing as how I'm in such high fucking demand around here lately. So I'm sick. To nap or not to nap?Today I opted for J's "sleep when you're dead" motto even though I truly despise it. I'll sleep later today when I will most likely feel so fucking shitty I'll be wishing I were...well

2005-10-30T09:29:00.000-05:00

I woke up singing...or hearing, or "listening to"?High On Sunday 51Aimee MannA monkey knows how you'll reactCreating want by holding backSome reverse pyromaniacLet me try, baby, tryI brought my window up and thenI turned my back to lure you inDo I fall through what I might of beenLet me try, baby, tryBaby please let me beginLet me be your heroineHate the sinner but love the sinLet me be your

2005-10-27T05:30:00.000-04:00

"this is my skeletonthis is the skin it's inthat is, according to lightand gravity"~ani(Shameless)

2005-10-26T20:26:00.000-04:00

Just...I think that I'm in some whacked state of mind, which isn't really uncomfortable--but I'm feeling kind of Not Here--or... Out There and it's being further complicated by hormonal issues as well... On the one hand--bouyed up, energized from a little break--on the other hand...well there is not another hand, really. It's more like... looking at myself in the mirror and saying, "Oh, hi!